MY GIRL LIVED!

When my daughter died by suicide in March of 2016, I never imagined that the colors would come back to life again, that I would never see or feel joy again, and that I would never be able to remember her without totally breaking down and crying.  I received a message from someone at my church after mass one day, she too had lost a child, she offered a statement that I didn’t realize would impact me so much at the time.  She told me, “There will come a day that you will remember your daughter LIVED and not just that she died.”  I thought to myself, this is not possible, I will always remember that my daughter died!

As I approach the 2^nd anniversary of my daughter’s passing, I can say that this wonderfully kind woman is right.  Not only can I see the colors of the world again, I can feel joy, and I do remember that my girl LIVED and not just that she is gone. 

So to this lovely woman from church, you were right…..and I thank you so much for giving me that sliver of HOPE, even when I couldn’t see it. 

The Barter I made...

Everyone has a story, and every story is important.  This is a story about why I do the work that I do.

Almost a year and a half ago, my daughter died by suicide.  It was the most painful day of my life.  As a parent, my worst nightmare became a reality.  Nothing will ever make it better, nothing can ever fill that void.  That first night when she died my heart broke, never to be the same again.

I didn't sleep much that night, I laid in bed, but didn't really sleep.  I screamed, I cried, and I wept, then at some point my body shut down.

When I awoke I laid there.  There's always been those first precious seconds of everyday when nothing is real yet, and that next day was no different.  Then it set in, for the first time that day those precious seconds were gone and I was zapped into real life, my daughter is gone.  It was more than overwhelming that morning, I began to sob again.

I am mother who has lost her child, God had trusted me with her to raise and I failed.  How can I do anything, let alone get out of that bed.  I had nothing inside me at that moment.

I've always had my faith, but was never that churchy person.  When I started to yell at God, to beg for him to make this all be a nightmare, and not my reality.  I knew it wasn't something He could do,  so in that moment I began my bartering with God.

For years through my daughter's battle with her mental condition, I would tell her, "I know you don't have hope right now, so I will have enough for both of us."  This is something I said many times to her during her long battle, and now I was in that bed and had no hope left.

In that moment I knew I couldn't stay in that bed and hide from the world, but I still couldn't get up.  So I prayed to God, I needed hope, I needed hope it get out of that bed and take care of my family.  I had no idea where it would come from.

So the bartering began, I knew I couldn't promise to never do anything wrong again in my life, I am human and I screw up a lot, that wouldn't really be a barter God would take.  So in that terrible moment I said, "God, fill me with the hope I need to carry on, and I will promise to do what I can to fight this disease, to comfort others with this disease, and to be there for those feeling the pain I knew I would always have."

Then something I had never felt before happened, almost undescrible.  There was an electrifying feeling that came over me and went right to my heart.  For a second I thought, maube God is taking me to be with my girl.  Then I could feel it, it was hope.  God was filling my heart with HOPE.

He accepted my bartering, He was giving me what I needed in that dark time to get out of that bed and take care of my daughter, my family, and anyone else that needed comfort.

I leaned on my family and my friends to get me through that time, then my chips were called in.  I was asked to share our story in the hopes of helping others, when this call came I again felt that electricity of hope.  I remember telling myself, I bartered with God and He doesn't forget that.  I was positive I was supposed to do this.

I began speaking and telling our story and working with The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and Surviors Joining for Hope.  I talk with schools, communities,  and well anyone that will listen about how to help others that may be struggling.  I also work with suicide loss survivors, not to "fix them, because God knows I can't but to listen, to let them know they are not alone.

The barter that I made with God that morning was more than just that, this work that I do is as healing for me as I hope it is for those I work with.  The big guy knows what he's doing when He barters.

Friends Through Grief

Friends Through Grief

Though this past year since my daughter took her life, I have found that there are many types of friends, some that should be in my life and some that just need to be just where they have left themselves, out of my life.   My daughter’s battle through depression was a long road that ended in the most terrible way.  I was always her advocate and focused on the help that she needed.  This left little time to be with friends.  Some understood and some did not.

Through her illness there were many times I had to cancel plans, change plans, or make plans at the drop of a hat.  The friends that understood that, understood that my priority was being a Mom and those that didn’t fell away. 

I will likely never be the same person I was before losing my daughter, this loss has changed me in a way I can’t describe. The grief will never go away, and the friends that understand that are the ones that have been carrying our friendship over this last year, because I just couldn’t.  

Friends can bring more pain to your grief or they can support you in your grief and know that just being there is what a friend truly is.  Each type of friend has brought something to my life and taught me things that I needed to see.  Some brought hurt, and many brought love and support.  I am grateful for my friends those that are here and those that have moved on. 

The “I’ll always be here friends…” these are the true friends, the ones that check in when they are thinking of you, the ones that stop by just because.  These are the friends that understand that there aren’t words to make things better, there isn’t really anything I need other than just to be my friend.  Their contact may be a simple message, card, phone call, or even a random drop by the house.  They don’t stop for anything but to let me know they care, the words are not always profound but they mean more than anything else.  These friends are unconditional and stand beside me and just listen, talk about my girl with me and truly listen to what I am saying.   These are the friends that I can count on, the ones that have not only basked in the sun with me in my happiest of times, but are now sitting in the rain with me in my darkest of times….and they brought an umbrella for us to share.

The “See you around friends….” These are the people that were “friends” before anything happened, they were around right away when everyone was watching, but now are gone.  These friends wonder why I haven’t done things for them during my grief.  They don’t really want to know how I am doing, they just want to know why I’m not doing things.  They have made it clear that my grief is a burden to them and that they don’t want to be with me through anything real.   These are the “friends” that just fade away from my life and as much as it hurts, I have to let them.  I will love them and forgive them…..from afar.

The “Chosen as Family Friends…” this is the friend that was there though everything, the one that would check in though the long battle leading up to my daughter’s death.  The one that did so much when my daughter died but I had no idea because I was just in a haze.  Even now they just do things for me because they know I’m terrible at asking for things.  They are the ones I can always count on for anything, even if I don’t know what I really need.

The “Were they ever a friend friends….” These “friends” are the ones that called or messaged to be nosey.  They asked lots of inappropriate questions and said really off key things, like “She’s in a much better place” and “She is spreading her wings and flying now”.  Seriously, my daughter was 17, is there a better place to be than here with her family?  These friends didn’t ever think to check in when the battle was tough with my daughter’s illness, they only came around to be nosey during a crisis.  They are the ones that don’t understand the grief, and I hope they never have to.

The “Friends in Grief friends…..” these are the people I have met since my daughter took her life.  They have surrounded me with love, support, and positivity because they know exactly what I’m going through.  They understand the loss, the grief, and don’t push me to feel or do anything I’m not comfortable with.  They listen and ask questions, they hug and they support me doing new things.  These friends bring a new spin on my future and help me find my new normal.

Through all this grief, losing a friend was never something I would have thought could hurt so much, but it does.  I remain focused on the love, support, and friendship of those that are in my life, new and old. 

My Face Will Leak!

My Face Will Leak!

I will let my face leak whenever and where ever I need. I'm not hiding or running from my grief, I live my life pretty loud and proud, and my grief will be no different. Grief sucks and if I have to hide it, it makes me feel ashamed of it. So I will grieve when I need to.

If you see my face leaking, then know that I needed to cry in that moment.  I’m not afraid of my tears, I’m scared to hold them in. 

While in the grocery store, picking out some oranges the other day, I swear I heard my girl behind me.  I quickly turned around to see that it wasn’t her and this moment brought me a flash of happiness and then a crash of devastation, it wasn’t her.   I know that she has been gone now for almost 9 months and she will never be the voice behind me in the produce section, yet for those fleeting seconds, I hear her voice and hope she is.  In this moment I needed to let my face leak.

We are encouraged to share all the joyful things in our life, why do we have to deal with grief alone?  

Grief is the form love takes when you lose someone so very special.  Having this grief shows we loved so much and so great that the grief hurts this much.

I will no longer apologize for doing what I need to grieve, because what I’m doing is not wrong.  What I need may be different than what you need, but it is not wrong.

First Christmas Without My Girl

First Christmas without my girl.

Christmas has always been a tough time for me, this year is defiantly worse.  My daughter died by suicide in March this year, just days before her 18^th birthday.  So, how do I get through this Christmas?

I haven’t taken the tree out of the box, this is not usual for me as I typically don’t put it up until a few days before Christmas.  Even the thought of putting it up this year is heart wrenching.  How do we celebrate without her?

When someone says “Merry Christmas” to me I smile and wish them the same.  Inside I am screaming at them, “NO IT’S NOT MERRY!”

What is Christmas?  

It is a time of year we all celebrate Christ’s birth and share this joyous time with our family.  So how do I do this this year?  How do I do this without my daughter?

Everyday has been more and more difficult without my daughter.  Just surviving days has been such a battle.  All the world is happy and celebrating such a joyous time. I’m struggling to just get through the day.  I can see the beauty and the joy of the season, I just don’t want to.  I can feel the love and support from the people around us, I just want to hide and curl into a corner. 

The sleigh bells ring – I just cry

The lights are shining brightly – the tears roll down my face

The stockings are hung with care – I struggle to put my smile on

The tree is up in everyone’s homes – I can’t take mine out of the box

Presents are being wrapped with care –  Mine will be in Target bags

Families are traveling far and wide to be together for Christmas – my family will never be all together again

The snow is falling – this was her favorite time of year

First Thanksgiving Without You

The First Thanksgiving Without You

While I sit with my family tomorrow, I will remember what I have to be thankful for.  I am thankful for my beautiful daughters, my supportive family, my true friends, my career, and so much more.  Yet as I prepare to sit with the family tomorrow, there will be a huge hole not just at the table but also in my heart.

This is my first Thanksgiving without my oldest daughter, Brittany.  She ended her life just about 8 months ago now.  Nothing has seemed right since then.  The holidays are no different.

I will drive to be with my family with Butchie, trying to keep it all together because I am so thankful for her.  Watching Butchie go through losing her sister is even more painful than losing her myself.   We will talk about times we shared, and laugh about the road trips we took together. 

Surrounding ourselves with the people who truly care and support us seems like what we should do.  So why is it all that I want to do is cocoon away and cry?  I am so grateful for the life we all shared with Brittany, and just as grateful for the life that I get to continue with Butchie.  I feel terrible for not wanting to grasp onto all the happiness around me, I just am so overwhelmed with this grief.  I want to feel good sharing this precious time with everyone, but my heart is in so much pain. 

I will smile, laugh, joke, and give everything I have to stay in the moment and cherish the time with all the special people I will be with.  Hold back the tears as everyone asks, “How are you?”  Then see that look they give after I say, “Fine” knowing I’m not fine. 

We will gather around the table and give thanks for all we have, I will feel guilty as I think of what I should have….both my girls.  I will wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving, pass the potatoes, and maybe even hold the babies. 

On our drive home, I will cry….A LOT!

While we are together, I will hold onto my “strong” face and try to smile and laugh with everyone when all I want to do is fall apart.   

My Wish As A Mother who Lost her child to Suicide

My Wish as a Mother Who Lost her Child to Suicide

My wish is that the battle became real to people.  That they could see this illness for what it truly is, a true affliction that can be as debilitating as physical illnesses.  Mental illness isn’t something anyone can choose or wish away.  It affects the brain like a tumor taking over or an infection spreading.

This illness has so much stigma attached to it people are ashamed to reach for help, and many go undiagnosed and untreated.  The resources for mental health are limited and not accessible to many.

When a tragedy strikes someone we know or love, it makes us all question, why didn’t they say something, why didn’t they ask someone to help them, why didn’t they just do things to make them happy?  We need to look at this differently.  When you are in a battle with your thoughts and perceptions it is not something you can just turn off. 

Instead we need to look at this as what can we do to help.  Where are we as a society to help those fighting these battles?  Where do we stand when someone we know is going through terrible pain? 

If my daughter was battling her disease without hair, tubes coming out of her, or other medical devices helping her with her battle would you look at her disease differently?  Would it be acceptable then?  Would it not be a choice for her then?

Missing Taking Her to College

Missing Taking Her to College

I’m supposed to be getting my daughter ready for college, instead I have to go visit her at the mausoleum. 

I’m not buying new sheets, towels, and fun dorm room things, I’m buying flowers to place in her vase on the niche.

I’m not preparing to only see her on school breaks and holidays, I’m trying to figure out how to live without seeing her until I myself move to heaven.

I walk through the stores seeing everywhere the sales and the signs for back to school and remember how much fun we had last year picking up crayons, markers, cool pens, notebooks, and we stopped to look at some dorm room décor.  I remember getting tears in my eyes knowing that was her last year living at home.  Now I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that she moved to heaven.

I see her friends all posting about moving into their dorms, leaving home, and getting to start their new chapters in life.  I am so proud and so happy for all of them, but the sadness takes over for the unwritten chapter my girl was supposed to have.

Instead of talking myself into letting her out of my arms at the college dorms she left this world just 4 months ago.  My girl died my suicide, and I didn’t get to have that long lasting hug to say goodbye, that moment to embarrass her while meeting all her new roommates and friends, or the moment of tears as I drove home alone leaving her to start her college journey. 

I’ve had many drives home crying as I left the mausoleum alone, knowing that the next time I will see her is when I move to heaven too.

The Questions People ask after a Suicide Loss

How I answer the terrible questions left behind after my daughter died by suicide.

There will always be questions after someone dies, but the questions people ask after someone dies by suicide are harder than most. 

If my daughter had any other life threatening illness the questions wouldn’t be the same, or even asked at all.  When will this world realize that depression is an illness, just as terrible as any other?  Can you imagine asking a grieving mother who just lost their child to any other disease the following questions:

·         Why didn’t you tell her to just not have diabetes?

·         But she didn’t act like she had cancer?

·         Wasn’t she taking medication for her High Blood Pressure?

·         Why couldn’t she just try to make her appendix not rupture?

·         Did she even think about how the rest of us would feel when she couldn’t breathe from her Asthma?

·         Didn’t she even try to make her tumor go away?

Now ask ME those same questions as a mother that just lost her daughter to suicide and I will give you my answers:

·         Why didn’t you just tell her to be happy?  BECAUSE SHE WAS SICK!

·         But she didn’t act like she was depressed?  She never wanted to make people worry about her. She never wanted anyone to see her feel as bad as she did.

·         Wasn’t she was taking medication for her depression? Yes, she was.  Sadly, the options for mental health treatments are all a guessing game; trial and error. We never found the right medications for her.

·         Why couldn’t she just stop being depressed?  BECAUSE SHE WAS SICK!

·         Did she even think about how the rest of us would feel when she took her life?  Yes, she was so sick that she believed we would be better without her.  The darkness that took over her thoughts didn’t allow her to see or feel the love we all have for her.

·         Did she even try to just be happy?  She tried with everything she had to fight the darkness that invaded every thought she had.

Questions that blame my daughter for her illness hurt, and it shows just how much work is yet to be done to help people understand mental illness.  The battle through any disease with your child is painful, scary, and makes you feel helpless.  We stand beside our children to battle their illness.  We fight for treatments, go to war with insurance companies to cover their treatments, and scrape together money for the treatments we find but can’t afford. Though all this we LOVE our children and hold onto hope that we will get them through to the other side of their illness.  Sadly, many of us lose our children to a disease even after a very long hard-fought battle.

So please, before you ask a grieving mother why, know that illness is illness, and you can’t will away mental health issues any more than you can will away any other illness.