Missing Taking Her to College

Missing Taking Her to College

I’m supposed to be getting my daughter ready for college, instead I have to go visit her at the mausoleum. 

I’m not buying new sheets, towels, and fun dorm room things, I’m buying flowers to place in her vase on the niche.

I’m not preparing to only see her on school breaks and holidays, I’m trying to figure out how to live without seeing her until I myself move to heaven.

I walk through the stores seeing everywhere the sales and the signs for back to school and remember how much fun we had last year picking up crayons, markers, cool pens, notebooks, and we stopped to look at some dorm room décor.  I remember getting tears in my eyes knowing that was her last year living at home.  Now I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that she moved to heaven.

I see her friends all posting about moving into their dorms, leaving home, and getting to start their new chapters in life.  I am so proud and so happy for all of them, but the sadness takes over for the unwritten chapter my girl was supposed to have.

Instead of talking myself into letting her out of my arms at the college dorms she left this world just 4 months ago.  My girl died my suicide, and I didn’t get to have that long lasting hug to say goodbye, that moment to embarrass her while meeting all her new roommates and friends, or the moment of tears as I drove home alone leaving her to start her college journey. 

I’ve had many drives home crying as I left the mausoleum alone, knowing that the next time I will see her is when I move to heaven too.