Don't Ask Why

 

I recently stood by a friend as she lost her friend to suicide.  As a loss survivor and a friend, I was with her to offer her support.  I quickly realized that being a support also meant that I was there to also help field the “why” questions. 

The pain my friend sat with when fielding all the “why” questions over and over was heartbreaking.  In the moment we have lost someone so close to us to suicide the only thing needed is love and support.

I am here to tell you, the “why” doesn’t matter anymore.  That the “why” questions we all have will never really be answered.  We have to accept that there was no one thing that takes a person to the place of suicidal crisis.  We have to accept that we as curious human beings are not going get these answers and that we need to keep our questions to ourselves.

What all the “why” questions do is look for blame and often cause more hurt for the family and loved ones. The “why” questions you may have are likely something they have already been asking themselves.  What they need from you now is love and support, not more questions. 

My Tribe, Healing and Shamrock Shakes

 

It did not start out this way, I never wanted to start to heal from this pain.  To me if I healed at all it felt like I was leaving you behind. Five years has given me a long time to process, a long time to feel, a long time to know that healing doesn’t mean letting go or moving on.  It means honoring the life my girl lived and the celebrating everything she brought to the world.

This last year has taught me more than ever that my inside needed more care than I was acknowledging.  I was standing in my pain but forgetting to honor my self care.  2020 taught the world to take nothing for granted, but I learned that in 2016 when I lost my girl.  What 2020 taught me is to slow down and focus on the things that are right in front of me.  Right in front of me was me, screaming for the love and care I give everyone else.  What my patterns have lead me to over the past 5 years have not been where I need to be, now is the time to find new patterns to take care of the me I know I am and need to be.

Grief sucks the life out of you, I filled myself back up by taking care of others.  It’s something that comes naturally for me, it’s easier than taking care of myself.  Year five, I explored inward more.  What did I need?  This was something really foreign for me.  It seemed selfish and it seemed like I was abandoning Brittany.

Healing, what is healing anyway?  How do I heal?  Why do I need to heal?  I set out to find these answers for ME.  I found the answers with a lot of self-reflection and support from the tribe of people that support me full heartly.  Healing isn’t moving on, it is honoring and celebrating.  I need to allow myself to honor and celebrate the joyous days, while still acknowledging the hole that will forever be in my heart.  Healing can only happen if I open myself up to seeing things in new ways.

I have surrendered to the pain of every parent’s worst nightmare while holding my head high with HOPE to continue to help others.  Now I am learning to take that same HOPE and give the light to myself as well.  I never imagined I had the time to nourish my mind, body, and soul but the more I did it the more time found itself.  People would always tell me you make the time for the things important to you, this is  true.  You can find the obstacles or you can find the solutions. 

It was the Shamrock Shakes that taught me the most this year. I know this sounds odd with all the healthy changes I made to take care of me.  Oddly enough when Shamrock Shake season came I wasn’t prepared.  Brittany LOVED Shamrock Shakes from McDonalds and geared up for her big hockey tournaments with them each year.  Shamrock Shake Season also leads us right up to her angel day and her birthday, so it always hits like a ton of bricks.  This year it hit harder because I wasn’t ready for it, and when I saw the first Shamrock Shake walk into my office, I fell apart.

What my tribe did for me was to help me see just how far I have come in this healing this year.  To look at these Shamrock Shakes and to celebrate my girl, celebrate the joy they brought to her and the joy of the Shamrock Shake Season!  My tribe all went out and got a Shamrock Shake and followed Butchie’s instructions to drink half of it then save the other half for Brittany.  This started a campaign of photos of people sharing their Shamrock Shakes for Brittany.  It didn’t end with just my little tribe it spread into my whole army of people and kept going! 

I could go on and on about everything I did this year to learn how to care for myself and the work I put in to do the work from the inside out, but that one story of putting something heavy out there to my tribe, letting them help me carry it, turning it into something beautiful, and celebrating the life of my Brittany sums up more than I could even explain.  That right there is HOPE and that right there is SELF CARE!

Today I will cry because I miss my girl, but I will also smile and laugh because for 17 years, 11 months and 24 days my girl LIVED and for the rest of my life I will choose HOPE….with a little help from my tribe and a Shamrock Shake.

If you are grieving, find your tribe to help you carry the heavy and find your Shamrock Shake story to help your self care and your HOPE!

A Conversation with My inner Sad Girl

 

This time of year grows increasingly hard for me. This year is proving no different despite all the work I am doing to heal and grow. What is different this year is how I am taking care of my Sad Girl and giving her the grace she needs. The grief isn't any less but these conversations I can have with myself now help.  

 

This week I am struggling with my inner sad girl again. So, I sat with her and had a chat.

Me:

Sad Girl why are you sad?

SG:

I expected this year to be easier and I want to be so much further, I thought I would be by now. I feel like I'm failing, letting myself down.

Me:

Nothing is ever going to be easy about this time of year.  You have big goals, and have crushed them all along the way, which goals have you failed?

SG:

I just see the old me in the mirror again. I am afraid, scared, and hurting.

Me:

The old you will always be in the mirror, she is you. You have grown from that time and learned so much, now tell me about the other victories along the way.

SG:

I have learned how fragile my heart is and how much it needed my own love and kindness to find some healing. I have given myself the permission to keep promises to myself just as I do to others because I'm worth it too. I have learned I can do more than I thought possible.  I have learned how to fuel my body properly, not punish it by withholding, not reward with treats and junk.  I have learned to build my tribe to support me.  I have learned that I am not just alive but I am living too.  I have not given up on myself.

ME:

All of that shows you how you haven't failed, but how you have soared and come so far.  You may have fallen and failed before but you have always gotten back up.  You are not failing, you are still going, still taking care of yourself and that is wining. 

Take another look in the mirror and really look because the reflection you see has grown from the woman that was there, you are LIVING! You have come so far from where you were.

SG:

I am certainly a work in progress...inside and out.  Thank you for loving me through this. I needed ME through this more than I ever knew.