THANKFUL, GRATEFUL, BLESSED AND A MESS

These things all describe perfectly how my Thanksgivings are.  This year is the 5^th one without my Brittany here.  I know it’s the “new normal” but there is nothing normal about it. 

Starting with thankful, I am thankful for the time I have with the people I surround myself with now.  My youngest daughter, my family, my friends…you know my people.  The ones that show up, the ones that love and support me.  I am also thankful for those that I have chosen to not surround myself with anymore, they have taught me a lesson.  I am thankful that I have a big voice, so I can continue the fight for those that can’t.  I often say that I am not talking this much to change people’s minds, I am talking so others know they are not alone.

Moving onto grateful, being grateful is a beautiful thing, not always an easy thing walking through these thorns.  Being grateful means, you also notice the roses on the branches of the thorns as they cut through your skin.  The gratefulness I have is for the time I did have with Brittany, and for the time I have with Bri.  The time I have when the wind blows just right and the smell of the sweet roses engulfs me.  When the love that surrounds me from my family and friends reminds me just how powerful the greatness of the world can be.  Grateful that the world again has color, even if it isn’t quite as bright.  I am also grateful to also start to heal myself and care on a new level for myself, the way I care for others.   

Touching on Blessed because I know I can never truly explain it all, feeling blessed even after living in the worst nightmare anyone will ever live seems impossible.  Choosing to count my blessings is a way I can continue to shine Brittany’s light in this world.  I am blessed to have a heart that still holds compassion and empathy.  My tears may have formed a type of armor on me for a battle but that battle is helping to make changes for others.  Being blessed is so much more than I can explain here, my heart could explode ten times over with the blessings I have, which is why I can only touch on it now.

A mess…this I can ramble on and on about for hours.  I fall apart at the store still when I turn around because I swear, I hear or see Brittany.  Thanksgiving is no different, I still expect her to fill her mouth with as many marshmallows as she can fit, or swing around the boys, tell us some crazy jokes, ask us about the 365 time on the oven, and make us all laugh until our bellies hurt. I still pick up her favorite foods at the store, I still think about what I will get her for her Birthday or Christmas and I hope this never stops.  I am good with being a mess some times for moments, some times for hours, and quite frankly some times for days. 

This year I am learning better than others to give myself the care and the grace to be a thankful, grateful, blessed mess because no matter what holiday it is or what day it is, I deserve it all and being another day into this life sentence without one of my girls here on earth is punishment enough. 

Happy Birthday to My Girl

Twenty-two years ago I became a mother for the first time. I was given a beautiful baby with no instruction manual, but all the hope to guide her through this world.

This beautiful girl was placed in my arms and my heart filled with joy. My only focus was to be a great mother, but questioning everything along the way. I spent hours just holding her, singing songs to her, reading books, and pacing the floors for hours at a time to comfort her.

Brittany grew before my eyes and found her personality, as I watched her in awe. I traded in the baby snuggles for toddler time. We danced, sang, read more books, and watched what seemed like an eternity of Teletubbies shows. I spent time just watching her, seeing her discover new things, and being amazed by her light shining everyday.

Seeing the pride in her eyes as she became a big sister filled my heart and completed my world. Watching my girls grow together and become the very best of friends made my heart full.

Each time a new stage was reached, I celebrated her while still taking time to watch her turn into a young lady, which seemed like just moments. I would stop by her door some nights and watch her sleep, seeing her as the baby I once held in my arms.

Being the best mother I could through difficult times, was not easy but knowing everything I was doing was for my girls made me take deep breaths and make the best decisions I could with the information I had at the time. Holding onto hope through it all.

The day that Brittany moved to heaven was the hardest day of my life and one I wish no mother would have to feel. Yet there was still hope.

Today Brittany would be 22. I remember her laugh, her strength and bravery she had to fight through her illness, and the hope and light she gave this world. As I close my eyes for just a moment I see that little baby that God gave me and I continue to love her with every breath I take.

Happy Birthday to my Brittany, may you continue to give us all the hope we need to continue in this world without you. I love and miss you every moment of everyday!

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

There is never enough time….Until time is too much

I have reached the 4^th year of loss after my daughter died by suicide.  As if my mind wasn’t racing enough, as if the world wasn’t strange enough we are living in a time of social distancing.  This is the day I need most to escape into an adventure, to have my people by my side, yet with social distancing we can not.

Grief is isolating enough in itself, I have reclaimed this day for a new adventure, spending time with those we love to make the time easier and more commemorative.  The beautiful trip I had planned was cancelled the adventure planned completely changed.  Those who mean the most are not physically close, no arms around me to comfort and no venturing into the world to find something new, leaves me with too much time. 

The uncertainty of the world today pales in comparison to the uncertainty I felt 4 years ago.  I stood still alone while the world continued on.  Now the world stands still in uncertainty together.  

We need to remember, life is precious and experiences we share are too, we can hide from happiness because terrible things happen or we can find the joy in the little things.  Choosing to find joy or happiness doesn’t mean we have forgotten the tragedy, it shows we honor it.

So as I grieve in the time of social distancing, I know that each message and call is really a hug, a friend sitting here with me, a shoulder to cry on, a shared story to laugh about, a memory of my girl that shines in this world. 

4 years have gone by and the pain is no less, my heart is still not healed, the 17 years, 11 months, and 24 days we had are still not enough, and the 4 years with out her is too much.