THANKFUL, GRATEFUL, BLESSED AND A MESS

These things all describe perfectly how my Thanksgivings are.  This year is the 5^th one without my Brittany here.  I know it’s the “new normal” but there is nothing normal about it. 

Starting with thankful, I am thankful for the time I have with the people I surround myself with now.  My youngest daughter, my family, my friends…you know my people.  The ones that show up, the ones that love and support me.  I am also thankful for those that I have chosen to not surround myself with anymore, they have taught me a lesson.  I am thankful that I have a big voice, so I can continue the fight for those that can’t.  I often say that I am not talking this much to change people’s minds, I am talking so others know they are not alone.

Moving onto grateful, being grateful is a beautiful thing, not always an easy thing walking through these thorns.  Being grateful means, you also notice the roses on the branches of the thorns as they cut through your skin.  The gratefulness I have is for the time I did have with Brittany, and for the time I have with Bri.  The time I have when the wind blows just right and the smell of the sweet roses engulfs me.  When the love that surrounds me from my family and friends reminds me just how powerful the greatness of the world can be.  Grateful that the world again has color, even if it isn’t quite as bright.  I am also grateful to also start to heal myself and care on a new level for myself, the way I care for others.   

Touching on Blessed because I know I can never truly explain it all, feeling blessed even after living in the worst nightmare anyone will ever live seems impossible.  Choosing to count my blessings is a way I can continue to shine Brittany’s light in this world.  I am blessed to have a heart that still holds compassion and empathy.  My tears may have formed a type of armor on me for a battle but that battle is helping to make changes for others.  Being blessed is so much more than I can explain here, my heart could explode ten times over with the blessings I have, which is why I can only touch on it now.

A mess…this I can ramble on and on about for hours.  I fall apart at the store still when I turn around because I swear, I hear or see Brittany.  Thanksgiving is no different, I still expect her to fill her mouth with as many marshmallows as she can fit, or swing around the boys, tell us some crazy jokes, ask us about the 365 time on the oven, and make us all laugh until our bellies hurt. I still pick up her favorite foods at the store, I still think about what I will get her for her Birthday or Christmas and I hope this never stops.  I am good with being a mess some times for moments, some times for hours, and quite frankly some times for days. 

This year I am learning better than others to give myself the care and the grace to be a thankful, grateful, blessed mess because no matter what holiday it is or what day it is, I deserve it all and being another day into this life sentence without one of my girls here on earth is punishment enough. 

Thanksgiving

As my family gathers together for the holidays there are so many wonderful things going on. 

My parents are hosting us for Thanksgiving.

Dad will tell us some jokes and try to get us to look down at the non-existent spot on our shirt, so he can catch our noses.  Mom will make her special treats and make us all laugh with something that she leaves in the microwave, only to find It after we are all stuffed full. 

My brothers will play a game and toss back a few beers while we are all getting the dinner buffet set up.  They will keep the kids occupied and encourage them to come steal the black olives from the tray, even though it’s not time to eat quite yet. 

My sister-in-laws will help to get the food ready and placed on the counter for everyone to pick and choose over.  We will chat about what the kids have been doing and what they have coming up.  We will tell stories about some of the fun and goofy things that have happened. 

The big kids will be sitting comfortably on the sofas playing with their phones, the little kids will bounce back and forth from my bothers to the big kids, wanting to see what game they are playing and when it can be their turn to play.

We will all fill our plates and sit around the table to share the meal and time together.  Mom will bring us all together with a prayer and remind us how blessed we all are.  Then we will join in the meal and joke and laugh about the fun we have together.  The kids will push some food around their plates and accept some bribes to try something new, only to have this Aunchie let them have their desert anyway.

After the meal we will work together to clear the table, do the dishes, and put the leftovers away.  We will join together again to play a game and enjoy each other’s company, with a glass of wine or two.

This may sound like the very perfect picture of a holiday.  I know how truly blessed I am to have it, yet the most noticeable thing to me will be the empty chair where my daughter should be.  

This is not the first year for the empty chair, yet it hasn’t become any easier.  I love the time my family is together, but it also serves as a heartbreaking reminder of that empty chair.

First Thanksgiving Without You

The First Thanksgiving Without You

While I sit with my family tomorrow, I will remember what I have to be thankful for.  I am thankful for my beautiful daughters, my supportive family, my true friends, my career, and so much more.  Yet as I prepare to sit with the family tomorrow, there will be a huge hole not just at the table but also in my heart.

This is my first Thanksgiving without my oldest daughter, Brittany.  She ended her life just about 8 months ago now.  Nothing has seemed right since then.  The holidays are no different.

I will drive to be with my family with Butchie, trying to keep it all together because I am so thankful for her.  Watching Butchie go through losing her sister is even more painful than losing her myself.   We will talk about times we shared, and laugh about the road trips we took together. 

Surrounding ourselves with the people who truly care and support us seems like what we should do.  So why is it all that I want to do is cocoon away and cry?  I am so grateful for the life we all shared with Brittany, and just as grateful for the life that I get to continue with Butchie.  I feel terrible for not wanting to grasp onto all the happiness around me, I just am so overwhelmed with this grief.  I want to feel good sharing this precious time with everyone, but my heart is in so much pain. 

I will smile, laugh, joke, and give everything I have to stay in the moment and cherish the time with all the special people I will be with.  Hold back the tears as everyone asks, “How are you?”  Then see that look they give after I say, “Fine” knowing I’m not fine. 

We will gather around the table and give thanks for all we have, I will feel guilty as I think of what I should have….both my girls.  I will wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving, pass the potatoes, and maybe even hold the babies. 

On our drive home, I will cry….A LOT!

While we are together, I will hold onto my “strong” face and try to smile and laugh with everyone when all I want to do is fall apart.