Three years into my life sentence as a bereaved mother. That sounds so strange……still. The pain and the tears are not gone, nor will
they ever be. The time has stood still
around me while so much has kept moving since my daughter took her life.
In the three years, I have seen joy again, the world does
have color again, and so much has changed.
I feel guilty that life continues to go on without Brittany, yet proud
of all the things Brianna is doing and accomplishing. I have never experienced so many ends of
emotions all at the same time.
There is no “moving on” after this loss, I will never let go
of this part of my heart. My brain is
split in two it seems, just as my heart is.
The grief changes and morphs into so many different things, often it
changes minute by minute. Many times, I
want to go numb and just run away into a hole, but I can’t. There is still so much to enjoy with those
that I love.
I keep going for both of my girls. For Brittany I keep going
to share the love and hope she had for this world. For Brianna I keep going because I am so
proud of the strong woman she is becoming and I’m so proud to be her
mother.
My biggest fear is that in this world, Brittany will be forgotten. That people will forget who she was and all
the wonderful things she gave this world.
I am grateful that family and friends still reach out and talk to me
about her, so the fear seems irrational I know, but it is still there.
There is little in this world to compare the grief to. Thinking of the rest of my life like this
doesn’t seem to be easier today than it was three years ago. This doesn’t seem to be fair, right, or
just.
I have little concern anymore for what people think or what
is acceptable, instead I do what is best for us, what we need to do to just
survive somedays. Survival mode it
seems is the only normal I have anymore.
So, I simply put one foot in front of the other and soak in
the pieces of color that the world still has to offer us.
