Everyone has a story, and every story is important. This is a story about why I do the work that I do.
Almost a year and a half ago, my daughter died by suicide. It was the most painful day of my life. As a parent, my worst nightmare became a reality. Nothing will ever make it better, nothing can ever fill that void. That first night when she died my heart broke, never to be the same again.
I didn't sleep much that night, I laid in bed, but didn't really sleep. I screamed, I cried, and I wept, then at some point my body shut down.
When I awoke I laid there. There's always been those first precious seconds of everyday when nothing is real yet, and that next day was no different. Then it set in, for the first time that day those precious seconds were gone and I was zapped into real life, my daughter is gone. It was more than overwhelming that morning, I began to sob again.
I am mother who has lost her child, God had trusted me with her to raise and I failed. How can I do anything, let alone get out of that bed. I had nothing inside me at that moment.
I've always had my faith, but was never that churchy person. When I started to yell at God, to beg for him to make this all be a nightmare, and not my reality. I knew it wasn't something He could do, so in that moment I began my bartering with God.
For years through my daughter's battle with her mental condition, I would tell her, "I know you don't have hope right now, so I will have enough for both of us." This is something I said many times to her during her long battle, and now I was in that bed and had no hope left.
In that moment I knew I couldn't stay in that bed and hide from the world, but I still couldn't get up. So I prayed to God, I needed hope, I needed hope it get out of that bed and take care of my family. I had no idea where it would come from.
So the bartering began, I knew I couldn't promise to never do anything wrong again in my life, I am human and I screw up a lot, that wouldn't really be a barter God would take. So in that terrible moment I said, "God, fill me with the hope I need to carry on, and I will promise to do what I can to fight this disease, to comfort others with this disease, and to be there for those feeling the pain I knew I would always have."
Then something I had never felt before happened, almost undescrible. There was an electrifying feeling that came over me and went right to my heart. For a second I thought, maube God is taking me to be with my girl. Then I could feel it, it was hope. God was filling my heart with HOPE.
He accepted my bartering, He was giving me what I needed in that dark time to get out of that bed and take care of my daughter, my family, and anyone else that needed comfort.
I leaned on my family and my friends to get me through that time, then my chips were called in. I was asked to share our story in the hopes of helping others, when this call came I again felt that electricity of hope. I remember telling myself, I bartered with God and He doesn't forget that. I was positive I was supposed to do this.
I began speaking and telling our story and working with The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and Surviors Joining for Hope. I talk with schools, communities, and well anyone that will listen about how to help others that may be struggling. I also work with suicide loss survivors, not to "fix them, because God knows I can't but to listen, to let them know they are not alone.
The barter that I made with God that morning was more than just that, this work that I do is as healing for me as I hope it is for those I work with. The big guy knows what he's doing when He barters.
