The First Thanksgiving Without You
While I sit with my family tomorrow, I will remember what I
have to be thankful for. I am thankful
for my beautiful daughters, my supportive family, my true friends, my career,
and so much more. Yet as I prepare to
sit with the family tomorrow, there will be a huge hole not just at the table
but also in my heart.
This is my first Thanksgiving without my oldest daughter, Brittany. She ended her life just about 8 months ago
now. Nothing has seemed right since
then. The holidays are no different.
I will drive to be with my family with Butchie, trying to
keep it all together because I am so thankful for her. Watching Butchie go through losing her sister
is even more painful than losing her myself.
We will talk about times we shared, and laugh about the road trips we
took together.
Surrounding ourselves with the people who truly care and
support us seems like what we should do.
So why is it all that I want to do is cocoon away and cry? I am so grateful for the life we all shared
with Brittany, and just as grateful for the life that I get to continue with
Butchie. I feel terrible for not wanting
to grasp onto all the happiness around me, I just am so overwhelmed with this
grief. I want to feel good sharing this
precious time with everyone, but my heart is in so much pain.
I will smile, laugh, joke, and give everything I have to
stay in the moment and cherish the time with all the special people I will be
with. Hold back the tears as everyone
asks, “How are you?” Then see that look
they give after I say, “Fine” knowing I’m not fine.
We will gather around the table and give thanks for all we
have, I will feel guilty as I think of what I should have….both my girls. I will wish everyone a very Happy
Thanksgiving, pass the potatoes, and maybe even hold the babies.
On our drive home, I will cry….A LOT!
While we are together, I will hold onto my “strong” face and
try to smile and laugh with everyone when all I want to do is fall apart.
