Friends Through Grief

Friends Through Grief

Though this past year since my daughter took her life, I have found that there are many types of friends, some that should be in my life and some that just need to be just where they have left themselves, out of my life.   My daughter’s battle through depression was a long road that ended in the most terrible way.  I was always her advocate and focused on the help that she needed.  This left little time to be with friends.  Some understood and some did not.

Through her illness there were many times I had to cancel plans, change plans, or make plans at the drop of a hat.  The friends that understood that, understood that my priority was being a Mom and those that didn’t fell away. 

I will likely never be the same person I was before losing my daughter, this loss has changed me in a way I can’t describe. The grief will never go away, and the friends that understand that are the ones that have been carrying our friendship over this last year, because I just couldn’t.  

Friends can bring more pain to your grief or they can support you in your grief and know that just being there is what a friend truly is.  Each type of friend has brought something to my life and taught me things that I needed to see.  Some brought hurt, and many brought love and support.  I am grateful for my friends those that are here and those that have moved on. 

The “I’ll always be here friends…” these are the true friends, the ones that check in when they are thinking of you, the ones that stop by just because.  These are the friends that understand that there aren’t words to make things better, there isn’t really anything I need other than just to be my friend.  Their contact may be a simple message, card, phone call, or even a random drop by the house.  They don’t stop for anything but to let me know they care, the words are not always profound but they mean more than anything else.  These friends are unconditional and stand beside me and just listen, talk about my girl with me and truly listen to what I am saying.   These are the friends that I can count on, the ones that have not only basked in the sun with me in my happiest of times, but are now sitting in the rain with me in my darkest of times….and they brought an umbrella for us to share.

The “See you around friends….” These are the people that were “friends” before anything happened, they were around right away when everyone was watching, but now are gone.  These friends wonder why I haven’t done things for them during my grief.  They don’t really want to know how I am doing, they just want to know why I’m not doing things.  They have made it clear that my grief is a burden to them and that they don’t want to be with me through anything real.   These are the “friends” that just fade away from my life and as much as it hurts, I have to let them.  I will love them and forgive them…..from afar.

The “Chosen as Family Friends…” this is the friend that was there though everything, the one that would check in though the long battle leading up to my daughter’s death.  The one that did so much when my daughter died but I had no idea because I was just in a haze.  Even now they just do things for me because they know I’m terrible at asking for things.  They are the ones I can always count on for anything, even if I don’t know what I really need.

The “Were they ever a friend friends….” These “friends” are the ones that called or messaged to be nosey.  They asked lots of inappropriate questions and said really off key things, like “She’s in a much better place” and “She is spreading her wings and flying now”.  Seriously, my daughter was 17, is there a better place to be than here with her family?  These friends didn’t ever think to check in when the battle was tough with my daughter’s illness, they only came around to be nosey during a crisis.  They are the ones that don’t understand the grief, and I hope they never have to.

The “Friends in Grief friends…..” these are the people I have met since my daughter took her life.  They have surrounded me with love, support, and positivity because they know exactly what I’m going through.  They understand the loss, the grief, and don’t push me to feel or do anything I’m not comfortable with.  They listen and ask questions, they hug and they support me doing new things.  These friends bring a new spin on my future and help me find my new normal.

Through all this grief, losing a friend was never something I would have thought could hurt so much, but it does.  I remain focused on the love, support, and friendship of those that are in my life, new and old.