Don't Ask Why

 

I recently stood by a friend as she lost her friend to suicide.  As a loss survivor and a friend, I was with her to offer her support.  I quickly realized that being a support also meant that I was there to also help field the “why” questions. 

The pain my friend sat with when fielding all the “why” questions over and over was heartbreaking.  In the moment we have lost someone so close to us to suicide the only thing needed is love and support.

I am here to tell you, the “why” doesn’t matter anymore.  That the “why” questions we all have will never really be answered.  We have to accept that there was no one thing that takes a person to the place of suicidal crisis.  We have to accept that we as curious human beings are not going get these answers and that we need to keep our questions to ourselves.

What all the “why” questions do is look for blame and often cause more hurt for the family and loved ones. The “why” questions you may have are likely something they have already been asking themselves.  What they need from you now is love and support, not more questions. 

My Tribe, Healing and Shamrock Shakes

 

It did not start out this way, I never wanted to start to heal from this pain.  To me if I healed at all it felt like I was leaving you behind. Five years has given me a long time to process, a long time to feel, a long time to know that healing doesn’t mean letting go or moving on.  It means honoring the life my girl lived and the celebrating everything she brought to the world.

This last year has taught me more than ever that my inside needed more care than I was acknowledging.  I was standing in my pain but forgetting to honor my self care.  2020 taught the world to take nothing for granted, but I learned that in 2016 when I lost my girl.  What 2020 taught me is to slow down and focus on the things that are right in front of me.  Right in front of me was me, screaming for the love and care I give everyone else.  What my patterns have lead me to over the past 5 years have not been where I need to be, now is the time to find new patterns to take care of the me I know I am and need to be.

Grief sucks the life out of you, I filled myself back up by taking care of others.  It’s something that comes naturally for me, it’s easier than taking care of myself.  Year five, I explored inward more.  What did I need?  This was something really foreign for me.  It seemed selfish and it seemed like I was abandoning Brittany.

Healing, what is healing anyway?  How do I heal?  Why do I need to heal?  I set out to find these answers for ME.  I found the answers with a lot of self-reflection and support from the tribe of people that support me full heartly.  Healing isn’t moving on, it is honoring and celebrating.  I need to allow myself to honor and celebrate the joyous days, while still acknowledging the hole that will forever be in my heart.  Healing can only happen if I open myself up to seeing things in new ways.

I have surrendered to the pain of every parent’s worst nightmare while holding my head high with HOPE to continue to help others.  Now I am learning to take that same HOPE and give the light to myself as well.  I never imagined I had the time to nourish my mind, body, and soul but the more I did it the more time found itself.  People would always tell me you make the time for the things important to you, this is  true.  You can find the obstacles or you can find the solutions. 

It was the Shamrock Shakes that taught me the most this year. I know this sounds odd with all the healthy changes I made to take care of me.  Oddly enough when Shamrock Shake season came I wasn’t prepared.  Brittany LOVED Shamrock Shakes from McDonalds and geared up for her big hockey tournaments with them each year.  Shamrock Shake Season also leads us right up to her angel day and her birthday, so it always hits like a ton of bricks.  This year it hit harder because I wasn’t ready for it, and when I saw the first Shamrock Shake walk into my office, I fell apart.

What my tribe did for me was to help me see just how far I have come in this healing this year.  To look at these Shamrock Shakes and to celebrate my girl, celebrate the joy they brought to her and the joy of the Shamrock Shake Season!  My tribe all went out and got a Shamrock Shake and followed Butchie’s instructions to drink half of it then save the other half for Brittany.  This started a campaign of photos of people sharing their Shamrock Shakes for Brittany.  It didn’t end with just my little tribe it spread into my whole army of people and kept going! 

I could go on and on about everything I did this year to learn how to care for myself and the work I put in to do the work from the inside out, but that one story of putting something heavy out there to my tribe, letting them help me carry it, turning it into something beautiful, and celebrating the life of my Brittany sums up more than I could even explain.  That right there is HOPE and that right there is SELF CARE!

Today I will cry because I miss my girl, but I will also smile and laugh because for 17 years, 11 months and 24 days my girl LIVED and for the rest of my life I will choose HOPE….with a little help from my tribe and a Shamrock Shake.

If you are grieving, find your tribe to help you carry the heavy and find your Shamrock Shake story to help your self care and your HOPE!

A Conversation with My inner Sad Girl

 

This time of year grows increasingly hard for me. This year is proving no different despite all the work I am doing to heal and grow. What is different this year is how I am taking care of my Sad Girl and giving her the grace she needs. The grief isn't any less but these conversations I can have with myself now help.  

 

This week I am struggling with my inner sad girl again. So, I sat with her and had a chat.

Me:

Sad Girl why are you sad?

SG:

I expected this year to be easier and I want to be so much further, I thought I would be by now. I feel like I'm failing, letting myself down.

Me:

Nothing is ever going to be easy about this time of year.  You have big goals, and have crushed them all along the way, which goals have you failed?

SG:

I just see the old me in the mirror again. I am afraid, scared, and hurting.

Me:

The old you will always be in the mirror, she is you. You have grown from that time and learned so much, now tell me about the other victories along the way.

SG:

I have learned how fragile my heart is and how much it needed my own love and kindness to find some healing. I have given myself the permission to keep promises to myself just as I do to others because I'm worth it too. I have learned I can do more than I thought possible.  I have learned how to fuel my body properly, not punish it by withholding, not reward with treats and junk.  I have learned to build my tribe to support me.  I have learned that I am not just alive but I am living too.  I have not given up on myself.

ME:

All of that shows you how you haven't failed, but how you have soared and come so far.  You may have fallen and failed before but you have always gotten back up.  You are not failing, you are still going, still taking care of yourself and that is wining. 

Take another look in the mirror and really look because the reflection you see has grown from the woman that was there, you are LIVING! You have come so far from where you were.

SG:

I am certainly a work in progress...inside and out.  Thank you for loving me through this. I needed ME through this more than I ever knew.

 

THANKFUL, GRATEFUL, BLESSED AND A MESS

These things all describe perfectly how my Thanksgivings are.  This year is the 5^th one without my Brittany here.  I know it’s the “new normal” but there is nothing normal about it. 

Starting with thankful, I am thankful for the time I have with the people I surround myself with now.  My youngest daughter, my family, my friends…you know my people.  The ones that show up, the ones that love and support me.  I am also thankful for those that I have chosen to not surround myself with anymore, they have taught me a lesson.  I am thankful that I have a big voice, so I can continue the fight for those that can’t.  I often say that I am not talking this much to change people’s minds, I am talking so others know they are not alone.

Moving onto grateful, being grateful is a beautiful thing, not always an easy thing walking through these thorns.  Being grateful means, you also notice the roses on the branches of the thorns as they cut through your skin.  The gratefulness I have is for the time I did have with Brittany, and for the time I have with Bri.  The time I have when the wind blows just right and the smell of the sweet roses engulfs me.  When the love that surrounds me from my family and friends reminds me just how powerful the greatness of the world can be.  Grateful that the world again has color, even if it isn’t quite as bright.  I am also grateful to also start to heal myself and care on a new level for myself, the way I care for others.   

Touching on Blessed because I know I can never truly explain it all, feeling blessed even after living in the worst nightmare anyone will ever live seems impossible.  Choosing to count my blessings is a way I can continue to shine Brittany’s light in this world.  I am blessed to have a heart that still holds compassion and empathy.  My tears may have formed a type of armor on me for a battle but that battle is helping to make changes for others.  Being blessed is so much more than I can explain here, my heart could explode ten times over with the blessings I have, which is why I can only touch on it now.

A mess…this I can ramble on and on about for hours.  I fall apart at the store still when I turn around because I swear, I hear or see Brittany.  Thanksgiving is no different, I still expect her to fill her mouth with as many marshmallows as she can fit, or swing around the boys, tell us some crazy jokes, ask us about the 365 time on the oven, and make us all laugh until our bellies hurt. I still pick up her favorite foods at the store, I still think about what I will get her for her Birthday or Christmas and I hope this never stops.  I am good with being a mess some times for moments, some times for hours, and quite frankly some times for days. 

This year I am learning better than others to give myself the care and the grace to be a thankful, grateful, blessed mess because no matter what holiday it is or what day it is, I deserve it all and being another day into this life sentence without one of my girls here on earth is punishment enough. 

Happy Birthday to My Girl

Twenty-two years ago I became a mother for the first time. I was given a beautiful baby with no instruction manual, but all the hope to guide her through this world.

This beautiful girl was placed in my arms and my heart filled with joy. My only focus was to be a great mother, but questioning everything along the way. I spent hours just holding her, singing songs to her, reading books, and pacing the floors for hours at a time to comfort her.

Brittany grew before my eyes and found her personality, as I watched her in awe. I traded in the baby snuggles for toddler time. We danced, sang, read more books, and watched what seemed like an eternity of Teletubbies shows. I spent time just watching her, seeing her discover new things, and being amazed by her light shining everyday.

Seeing the pride in her eyes as she became a big sister filled my heart and completed my world. Watching my girls grow together and become the very best of friends made my heart full.

Each time a new stage was reached, I celebrated her while still taking time to watch her turn into a young lady, which seemed like just moments. I would stop by her door some nights and watch her sleep, seeing her as the baby I once held in my arms.

Being the best mother I could through difficult times, was not easy but knowing everything I was doing was for my girls made me take deep breaths and make the best decisions I could with the information I had at the time. Holding onto hope through it all.

The day that Brittany moved to heaven was the hardest day of my life and one I wish no mother would have to feel. Yet there was still hope.

Today Brittany would be 22. I remember her laugh, her strength and bravery she had to fight through her illness, and the hope and light she gave this world. As I close my eyes for just a moment I see that little baby that God gave me and I continue to love her with every breath I take.

Happy Birthday to my Brittany, may you continue to give us all the hope we need to continue in this world without you. I love and miss you every moment of everyday!

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

There is never enough time….Until time is too much

I have reached the 4^th year of loss after my daughter died by suicide.  As if my mind wasn’t racing enough, as if the world wasn’t strange enough we are living in a time of social distancing.  This is the day I need most to escape into an adventure, to have my people by my side, yet with social distancing we can not.

Grief is isolating enough in itself, I have reclaimed this day for a new adventure, spending time with those we love to make the time easier and more commemorative.  The beautiful trip I had planned was cancelled the adventure planned completely changed.  Those who mean the most are not physically close, no arms around me to comfort and no venturing into the world to find something new, leaves me with too much time. 

The uncertainty of the world today pales in comparison to the uncertainty I felt 4 years ago.  I stood still alone while the world continued on.  Now the world stands still in uncertainty together.  

We need to remember, life is precious and experiences we share are too, we can hide from happiness because terrible things happen or we can find the joy in the little things.  Choosing to find joy or happiness doesn’t mean we have forgotten the tragedy, it shows we honor it.

So as I grieve in the time of social distancing, I know that each message and call is really a hug, a friend sitting here with me, a shoulder to cry on, a shared story to laugh about, a memory of my girl that shines in this world. 

4 years have gone by and the pain is no less, my heart is still not healed, the 17 years, 11 months, and 24 days we had are still not enough, and the 4 years with out her is too much.

Thanksgiving

As my family gathers together for the holidays there are so many wonderful things going on. 

My parents are hosting us for Thanksgiving.

Dad will tell us some jokes and try to get us to look down at the non-existent spot on our shirt, so he can catch our noses.  Mom will make her special treats and make us all laugh with something that she leaves in the microwave, only to find It after we are all stuffed full. 

My brothers will play a game and toss back a few beers while we are all getting the dinner buffet set up.  They will keep the kids occupied and encourage them to come steal the black olives from the tray, even though it’s not time to eat quite yet. 

My sister-in-laws will help to get the food ready and placed on the counter for everyone to pick and choose over.  We will chat about what the kids have been doing and what they have coming up.  We will tell stories about some of the fun and goofy things that have happened. 

The big kids will be sitting comfortably on the sofas playing with their phones, the little kids will bounce back and forth from my bothers to the big kids, wanting to see what game they are playing and when it can be their turn to play.

We will all fill our plates and sit around the table to share the meal and time together.  Mom will bring us all together with a prayer and remind us how blessed we all are.  Then we will join in the meal and joke and laugh about the fun we have together.  The kids will push some food around their plates and accept some bribes to try something new, only to have this Aunchie let them have their desert anyway.

After the meal we will work together to clear the table, do the dishes, and put the leftovers away.  We will join together again to play a game and enjoy each other’s company, with a glass of wine or two.

This may sound like the very perfect picture of a holiday.  I know how truly blessed I am to have it, yet the most noticeable thing to me will be the empty chair where my daughter should be.  

This is not the first year for the empty chair, yet it hasn’t become any easier.  I love the time my family is together, but it also serves as a heartbreaking reminder of that empty chair.