THANKFUL, GRATEFUL, BLESSED AND A MESS
These things all describe perfectly how my Thanksgivings
are. This year is the 5th one
without my Brittany here. I know
it’s the “new normal” but there is nothing normal about it.
Starting with thankful, I am thankful for the time I have
with the people I surround myself with now.
My youngest daughter, my family, my friends…you know my people. The ones that show up, the ones that love and
support me. I am also thankful for those
that I have chosen to not surround myself with anymore, they have taught me a
lesson. I am thankful that I have a big
voice, so I can continue the fight for those that can’t. I often say that I am not talking this much
to change people’s minds, I am talking so others know they are not alone.
Moving onto grateful, being grateful is a beautiful thing,
not always an easy thing walking through these thorns. Being grateful means, you also notice the
roses on the branches of the thorns as they cut through your skin. The gratefulness I have is for the time I did
have with Brittany, and for the time I have with Bri. The time I have when the wind blows just
right and the smell of the sweet roses engulfs me. When the love that surrounds me from my
family and friends reminds me just how powerful the greatness of the world can
be. Grateful that the world again has
color, even if it isn’t quite as bright. I am also grateful to also start to heal
myself and care on a new level for myself, the way I care for others.
Touching on Blessed because I know I can never truly explain
it all, feeling blessed even after living in the worst nightmare anyone will
ever live seems impossible. Choosing to
count my blessings is a way I can continue to shine Brittany’s light in this
world. I am blessed to have a heart that
still holds compassion and empathy. My
tears may have formed a type of armor on me for a battle but that battle is
helping to make changes for others.
Being blessed is so much more than I can explain here, my heart could
explode ten times over with the blessings I have, which is why I can only touch
on it now.
A mess…this I can ramble on and on about for hours. I fall apart at the store still when I turn
around because I swear, I hear or see Brittany.
Thanksgiving is no different, I still expect her to fill her mouth with
as many marshmallows as she can fit, or swing around the boys, tell us some
crazy jokes, ask us about the 365 time on the oven, and make us all laugh until
our bellies hurt. I still pick up her favorite foods at the store, I still
think about what I will get her for her Birthday or Christmas and I hope this
never stops. I am good with being a mess
some times for moments, some times for hours, and quite frankly some times for
days.
This year I am learning better than others to give myself the care and the
grace to be a thankful, grateful, blessed mess because no matter what holiday
it is or what day it is, I deserve it all and being another day into this life sentence
without one of my girls here on earth is punishment enough.
