Happy Birthday to My Girl

Twenty-two years ago I became a mother for the first time. I was given a beautiful baby with no instruction manual, but all the hope to guide her through this world.

This beautiful girl was placed in my arms and my heart filled with joy. My only focus was to be a great mother, but questioning everything along the way. I spent hours just holding her, singing songs to her, reading books, and pacing the floors for hours at a time to comfort her.

Brittany grew before my eyes and found her personality, as I watched her in awe. I traded in the baby snuggles for toddler time. We danced, sang, read more books, and watched what seemed like an eternity of Teletubbies shows. I spent time just watching her, seeing her discover new things, and being amazed by her light shining everyday.

Seeing the pride in her eyes as she became a big sister filled my heart and completed my world. Watching my girls grow together and become the very best of friends made my heart full.

Each time a new stage was reached, I celebrated her while still taking time to watch her turn into a young lady, which seemed like just moments. I would stop by her door some nights and watch her sleep, seeing her as the baby I once held in my arms.

Being the best mother I could through difficult times, was not easy but knowing everything I was doing was for my girls made me take deep breaths and make the best decisions I could with the information I had at the time. Holding onto hope through it all.

The day that Brittany moved to heaven was the hardest day of my life and one I wish no mother would have to feel. Yet there was still hope.

Today Brittany would be 22. I remember her laugh, her strength and bravery she had to fight through her illness, and the hope and light she gave this world. As I close my eyes for just a moment I see that little baby that God gave me and I continue to love her with every breath I take.

Happy Birthday to my Brittany, may you continue to give us all the hope we need to continue in this world without you. I love and miss you every moment of everyday!

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

There is never enough time….Until time is too much

I have reached the 4^th year of loss after my daughter died by suicide.  As if my mind wasn’t racing enough, as if the world wasn’t strange enough we are living in a time of social distancing.  This is the day I need most to escape into an adventure, to have my people by my side, yet with social distancing we can not.

Grief is isolating enough in itself, I have reclaimed this day for a new adventure, spending time with those we love to make the time easier and more commemorative.  The beautiful trip I had planned was cancelled the adventure planned completely changed.  Those who mean the most are not physically close, no arms around me to comfort and no venturing into the world to find something new, leaves me with too much time. 

The uncertainty of the world today pales in comparison to the uncertainty I felt 4 years ago.  I stood still alone while the world continued on.  Now the world stands still in uncertainty together.  

We need to remember, life is precious and experiences we share are too, we can hide from happiness because terrible things happen or we can find the joy in the little things.  Choosing to find joy or happiness doesn’t mean we have forgotten the tragedy, it shows we honor it.

So as I grieve in the time of social distancing, I know that each message and call is really a hug, a friend sitting here with me, a shoulder to cry on, a shared story to laugh about, a memory of my girl that shines in this world. 

4 years have gone by and the pain is no less, my heart is still not healed, the 17 years, 11 months, and 24 days we had are still not enough, and the 4 years with out her is too much.