The Question I dread as a Parent whose child died by Suicide

How many children do I have?

As a mother who's lost a child, I stand in a crowd of strangers, time to meet new people.  A crowd of strangers that don't know my grief and I hope never do.  I have always been a pretty social person and now, 4 months after my daughter Brittany died by suicide, I am struggling to return to my life and my responsibilities.

I am waiting as I'm introduced for the questions.  First my name, I got this one it's easy.  Then what do you do for a living, that's easy too. 

Then the dreaded ones.......How many kids do you have? Seems easy, I have 2 girls.  I’ve had 2 girls for over 18 years now, so it just comes out.  Then how old are your kids, this is where I lose it, tears well up in my eyes and I can see the uncomfortable look on the face of the people I’m being introduced to.  I pause….

Do I say Brittany would be 18 and Butchie is 16 or do I ignore the fact that my oldest has went to live in heaven and just say 17 and 16,  What do I do when they are the same age?  Do I add the years on for my daughter that went to live in heaven just before her 18th birthday?  Or even more heartbreaking, do I say my Butchie is 16 and leave Brittany out of it completely?

I have always been open about my grief, yet this question is the hardest to answer.  How much do I explain?  I am typically a very strong woman, but this hits me like a ton of bricks every time.  If I do say I lost my Brittany just a 

few months ago, then comes the question, “What happened?” 

I am also not shy or ashamed about making sure the awareness is there for mental illness and suicide prevention, if she died from any other disease it wouldn’t be looked at the way suicide is.  This is why I need to choose to say she died by suicide, if I can show one person that mental health is the same as physical health then it is worth it.

Now I’m back to this battle in my head, what do I share?  I don’t share about Brittany for pity or sympathy.  I truly share about my daughter because I want things to be different for this terrible disease!   This disease needs change behind it, it needs awareness, it needs a voice!

So for now, I battle in my head for what seems like an eternity when someone asks me the simple question, “How many children do you have?” 

I will forever be a mother of TWO girls, one just lives in heaven now.