First Christmas Without My Girl

First Christmas without my girl.

Christmas has always been a tough time for me, this year is defiantly worse.  My daughter died by suicide in March this year, just days before her 18^th birthday.  So, how do I get through this Christmas?

I haven’t taken the tree out of the box, this is not usual for me as I typically don’t put it up until a few days before Christmas.  Even the thought of putting it up this year is heart wrenching.  How do we celebrate without her?

When someone says “Merry Christmas” to me I smile and wish them the same.  Inside I am screaming at them, “NO IT’S NOT MERRY!”

What is Christmas?  

It is a time of year we all celebrate Christ’s birth and share this joyous time with our family.  So how do I do this this year?  How do I do this without my daughter?

Everyday has been more and more difficult without my daughter.  Just surviving days has been such a battle.  All the world is happy and celebrating such a joyous time. I’m struggling to just get through the day.  I can see the beauty and the joy of the season, I just don’t want to.  I can feel the love and support from the people around us, I just want to hide and curl into a corner. 

The sleigh bells ring – I just cry

The lights are shining brightly – the tears roll down my face

The stockings are hung with care – I struggle to put my smile on

The tree is up in everyone’s homes – I can’t take mine out of the box

Presents are being wrapped with care –  Mine will be in Target bags

Families are traveling far and wide to be together for Christmas – my family will never be all together again

The snow is falling – this was her favorite time of year

First Thanksgiving Without You

The First Thanksgiving Without You

While I sit with my family tomorrow, I will remember what I have to be thankful for.  I am thankful for my beautiful daughters, my supportive family, my true friends, my career, and so much more.  Yet as I prepare to sit with the family tomorrow, there will be a huge hole not just at the table but also in my heart.

This is my first Thanksgiving without my oldest daughter, Brittany.  She ended her life just about 8 months ago now.  Nothing has seemed right since then.  The holidays are no different.

I will drive to be with my family with Butchie, trying to keep it all together because I am so thankful for her.  Watching Butchie go through losing her sister is even more painful than losing her myself.   We will talk about times we shared, and laugh about the road trips we took together. 

Surrounding ourselves with the people who truly care and support us seems like what we should do.  So why is it all that I want to do is cocoon away and cry?  I am so grateful for the life we all shared with Brittany, and just as grateful for the life that I get to continue with Butchie.  I feel terrible for not wanting to grasp onto all the happiness around me, I just am so overwhelmed with this grief.  I want to feel good sharing this precious time with everyone, but my heart is in so much pain. 

I will smile, laugh, joke, and give everything I have to stay in the moment and cherish the time with all the special people I will be with.  Hold back the tears as everyone asks, “How are you?”  Then see that look they give after I say, “Fine” knowing I’m not fine. 

We will gather around the table and give thanks for all we have, I will feel guilty as I think of what I should have….both my girls.  I will wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving, pass the potatoes, and maybe even hold the babies. 

On our drive home, I will cry….A LOT!

While we are together, I will hold onto my “strong” face and try to smile and laugh with everyone when all I want to do is fall apart.   

My Wish As A Mother who Lost her child to Suicide

My Wish as a Mother Who Lost her Child to Suicide

My wish is that the battle became real to people.  That they could see this illness for what it truly is, a true affliction that can be as debilitating as physical illnesses.  Mental illness isn’t something anyone can choose or wish away.  It affects the brain like a tumor taking over or an infection spreading.

This illness has so much stigma attached to it people are ashamed to reach for help, and many go undiagnosed and untreated.  The resources for mental health are limited and not accessible to many.

When a tragedy strikes someone we know or love, it makes us all question, why didn’t they say something, why didn’t they ask someone to help them, why didn’t they just do things to make them happy?  We need to look at this differently.  When you are in a battle with your thoughts and perceptions it is not something you can just turn off. 

Instead we need to look at this as what can we do to help.  Where are we as a society to help those fighting these battles?  Where do we stand when someone we know is going through terrible pain? 

If my daughter was battling her disease without hair, tubes coming out of her, or other medical devices helping her with her battle would you look at her disease differently?  Would it be acceptable then?  Would it not be a choice for her then?

Missing Taking Her to College

Missing Taking Her to College

I’m supposed to be getting my daughter ready for college, instead I have to go visit her at the mausoleum. 

I’m not buying new sheets, towels, and fun dorm room things, I’m buying flowers to place in her vase on the niche.

I’m not preparing to only see her on school breaks and holidays, I’m trying to figure out how to live without seeing her until I myself move to heaven.

I walk through the stores seeing everywhere the sales and the signs for back to school and remember how much fun we had last year picking up crayons, markers, cool pens, notebooks, and we stopped to look at some dorm room décor.  I remember getting tears in my eyes knowing that was her last year living at home.  Now I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that she moved to heaven.

I see her friends all posting about moving into their dorms, leaving home, and getting to start their new chapters in life.  I am so proud and so happy for all of them, but the sadness takes over for the unwritten chapter my girl was supposed to have.

Instead of talking myself into letting her out of my arms at the college dorms she left this world just 4 months ago.  My girl died my suicide, and I didn’t get to have that long lasting hug to say goodbye, that moment to embarrass her while meeting all her new roommates and friends, or the moment of tears as I drove home alone leaving her to start her college journey. 

I’ve had many drives home crying as I left the mausoleum alone, knowing that the next time I will see her is when I move to heaven too.

The Questions People ask after a Suicide Loss

How I answer the terrible questions left behind after my daughter died by suicide.

There will always be questions after someone dies, but the questions people ask after someone dies by suicide are harder than most. 

If my daughter had any other life threatening illness the questions wouldn’t be the same, or even asked at all.  When will this world realize that depression is an illness, just as terrible as any other?  Can you imagine asking a grieving mother who just lost their child to any other disease the following questions:

·         Why didn’t you tell her to just not have diabetes?

·         But she didn’t act like she had cancer?

·         Wasn’t she taking medication for her High Blood Pressure?

·         Why couldn’t she just try to make her appendix not rupture?

·         Did she even think about how the rest of us would feel when she couldn’t breathe from her Asthma?

·         Didn’t she even try to make her tumor go away?

Now ask ME those same questions as a mother that just lost her daughter to suicide and I will give you my answers:

·         Why didn’t you just tell her to be happy?  BECAUSE SHE WAS SICK!

·         But she didn’t act like she was depressed?  She never wanted to make people worry about her. She never wanted anyone to see her feel as bad as she did.

·         Wasn’t she was taking medication for her depression? Yes, she was.  Sadly, the options for mental health treatments are all a guessing game; trial and error. We never found the right medications for her.

·         Why couldn’t she just stop being depressed?  BECAUSE SHE WAS SICK!

·         Did she even think about how the rest of us would feel when she took her life?  Yes, she was so sick that she believed we would be better without her.  The darkness that took over her thoughts didn’t allow her to see or feel the love we all have for her.

·         Did she even try to just be happy?  She tried with everything she had to fight the darkness that invaded every thought she had.

Questions that blame my daughter for her illness hurt, and it shows just how much work is yet to be done to help people understand mental illness.  The battle through any disease with your child is painful, scary, and makes you feel helpless.  We stand beside our children to battle their illness.  We fight for treatments, go to war with insurance companies to cover their treatments, and scrape together money for the treatments we find but can’t afford. Though all this we LOVE our children and hold onto hope that we will get them through to the other side of their illness.  Sadly, many of us lose our children to a disease even after a very long hard-fought battle.

So please, before you ask a grieving mother why, know that illness is illness, and you can’t will away mental health issues any more than you can will away any other illness.

The Question I dread as a Parent whose child died by Suicide

How many children do I have?

As a mother who's lost a child, I stand in a crowd of strangers, time to meet new people.  A crowd of strangers that don't know my grief and I hope never do.  I have always been a pretty social person and now, 4 months after my daughter Brittany died by suicide, I am struggling to return to my life and my responsibilities.

I am waiting as I'm introduced for the questions.  First my name, I got this one it's easy.  Then what do you do for a living, that's easy too. 

Then the dreaded ones.......How many kids do you have? Seems easy, I have 2 girls.  I’ve had 2 girls for over 18 years now, so it just comes out.  Then how old are your kids, this is where I lose it, tears well up in my eyes and I can see the uncomfortable look on the face of the people I’m being introduced to.  I pause….

Do I say Brittany would be 18 and Butchie is 16 or do I ignore the fact that my oldest has went to live in heaven and just say 17 and 16,  What do I do when they are the same age?  Do I add the years on for my daughter that went to live in heaven just before her 18th birthday?  Or even more heartbreaking, do I say my Butchie is 16 and leave Brittany out of it completely?

I have always been open about my grief, yet this question is the hardest to answer.  How much do I explain?  I am typically a very strong woman, but this hits me like a ton of bricks every time.  If I do say I lost my Brittany just a 

few months ago, then comes the question, “What happened?” 

I am also not shy or ashamed about making sure the awareness is there for mental illness and suicide prevention, if she died from any other disease it wouldn’t be looked at the way suicide is.  This is why I need to choose to say she died by suicide, if I can show one person that mental health is the same as physical health then it is worth it.

Now I’m back to this battle in my head, what do I share?  I don’t share about Brittany for pity or sympathy.  I truly share about my daughter because I want things to be different for this terrible disease!   This disease needs change behind it, it needs awareness, it needs a voice!

So for now, I battle in my head for what seems like an eternity when someone asks me the simple question, “How many children do you have?” 

I will forever be a mother of TWO girls, one just lives in heaven now.